"It's OK to cry, Amy," he added.
I laughed. "No. I'm probably going to cry a couple times."
During that conversation I didn't believe I would be on this side of the coin today. I thought to myself that I'm stubborn enough to find something, move in, and prep for school in no time at all. And I'm probably right about myself and what I can pull off with a bit of stubborn will. None of that matters right now, though. We didn't find a house and we're going to wait here.
Just typing those words breaks me in a way I've never felt broken before. My frustration is not for me as much as it is for my kiddos in this space. I constantly tell myself "Chin up! Show your little ones how to smile and be strong" when on the inside...and now on the outside...I'm crumbling.
I come here because this is my home away from home. This is my space to be real about life and how I'm feeling. This is where I can get everything out, take a deep breath, and then go back to caring for my family after I'm through.
I really don't want to be a Debbie Downer. I don't want the whole world to pout with me or even feel bad for me. The reason I share my trials with you is because I want you to know that beneath the Christian label I wear, and the uplifting music I listen to, and the "God will get me through" speeches...is a real, live person. I want you to know that I struggle just like everyone else. Just today, I clenched my fists and prayed "GOD! DO SOMETHING! This is so difficult for me!!" Now, that may not be respectful but it's real.
I never want to give the impression that I have it all together. I don't. There's no way I can on my own strength. The fact of the matter is, everything is out of my hands and it's driving me crazy. My humanity keeps trying to get the best of me. I want to fix this and there's no way I can. I struggle to "count it all joy" right now in my 900 sq ft. condo. I.AM.FRUSTRATED.
I've cried so many times I don't even know how many is "so many" now.
Would you please pray for me, if you think of me? I'm determined to make lemonade of this stack of lemons and I'm determined to trust God and keep going even when I'm frustrated and I don't understand. The hubster is amazing to me as a support and constant encouragement. I know he sees what I'm going through and he loves me through every "ugly cry" I have about this.
Somehow, we will get through this. We're still keeping an eye on the market and want to start actively looking again come February. But we're a family and we're going to stick together no matter what.
...Somehow, we'll get through this...